To All the Single Ladies: 5 Tips for Loving Your Single Life

{While a couple of these tips for loving your single life particularly apply to the ladies, the single gents out there can benefit as well, especially from points 3 & 4. Enjoy!}

I don’t love being single. But I love my life.

Ask anyone for one word they associate with singleness, and I would bet that most will answer loneliness. I agree, it is an extremely lonely season. But it doesn’t have to be dry or depressing.

Disclaimer: I’m not writing this because I prefer singleness or because I think it’s a better way of life. I don’t want to be single forever. I want to be married and have wanted that ever since I can remember. But we can either despair over something we can’t have right now or relish what we are given, and the latter mindset is what I want to highlight. 

If you are single and feel unhappy and stuck, like you can’t do anything about it, and like you’re waiting on God to open the door, here is how to stop viewing singleness as a prison and start looking for the opportunities and joys it can provide:

1. Set Goals That Don’t Depend on Someone Else Entering Your Life

We can’t let “getting ready for marriage” be our life goal. It shouldn’t be the why behind our actions, ambitions, or aspirations. What we do is not primarily for our future spouse, even if it could benefit them down the road. What we do is first and foremost for God and second for ourselves. 

If we live like we’re waiting for something else, we’ll always be waiting. We can hope for something, but we can’t put our lives on pause until it comes because it may not.

So, move to that city. Invest in that car. Visit that national park. Work toward self-sufficiency. We can’t wait for our spouse to come along and do it with us or for us. We must go do it. We must set goals for ourselves, complete them, and enjoy the sense of accomplishment and independence that follows.

2. Realize That “Not Now” Does Not Mean “Not Ever”

After I graduated college and especially after I turned 23 and all my friends were finding their soulmates, I started to think I’d missed my chance at love, that I’d be an old maid for the rest of my life. 

Then I got engaged. But when I had to call off the wedding less than two months before the date and found myself alone and with my dreams in shards around me, I really felt all was lost. 

Don’t think like I did. It doesn’t matter how old we are or what we’ve been through: nothing is impossible with God. He may have someone for us next year, at 50, or not at all. We simply don’t know. But we can’t live like we’ve passed our chance. There is always a chance with God. We can keep praying and hoping, but we can’t stay stagnant. We have to keep living too.

My situation (i.e., being single) has not changed. But my outlook and who I am on the inside—that has changed drastically. It’s taken a long time to get here, but I thank God for keeping me single as long as He has because this growth and this shedding of unhealthy viewpoints and habits is worth it as it brings me closer to who He wants me to be. I would never have chosen this, and honestly still wouldn’t given the chance, but I wouldn’t trade it because it’s His gift to me.

3. Use Singleness to Figure Out Who You Are

We are often advised to make lists about what we’re looking for in a potential spouse so that we’re ready to evaluate those who come along.

In reality, we need to stop daydreaming about him and work on ourselves. We can’t focus on the standards we have for him and ignore the standards we should have in our lives. It’s extremely important to learn who we are as individuals and not spend our time building a dream character we hope to meet someday.

Don’t misread me; it is not wrong to have standards. We should. But we shouldn’t be standard-minded; it is far too easy to become judgmental. Instead, we must be personal growth-minded.

Answer these questions carefully:

• Do you know what your personality is apart from others? 
• Do you know the real you, your likes/dislikes, desires, fears, and motivations? 
• Do you know how to set boundaries? 
• Do you know what personal boundaries are and why you need them?
• What is your love language in giving love? 
• What is your love language in receiving love? 
• Do you know how to communicate your needs in a clear, respectful, and loving way? 
• Do you know how to resolve conflict? 
• Did you grow up in a family that resolved conflict well, or does that subject intimidate or confuse you?
• Do you understand how knowing yourself better will help you glorify God better?

Don’t apply these questions to your future spouse. Apply them to yourself.

We can always talk these issues through with him when the time is right. For now, we must focus on our own growth. If we figure these things out for ourselves, we’ll have much healthier relationships with everyone around us—parents, siblings, friends, coworkers. 

Because remember, we aren’t doing this to prepare for marriage. We’re doing this to create a healthy existence for ourselves and one that glorifies God. If a spouse does come along, we’ll have a much healthier relationship with him too.

Necessary reading (I cannot recommend these two books highly enough):

• Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
• How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich

Recommended study: 

• The Enneagram
• The 5 Love Languages

4. Find Friends Who Encourage You

There are more single people out there than we realize. We are not the only ones, so we can’t use the “all my friends are married” pity card, even if they are. (If 100% of your friends truly are married, it’s time to make more friends, not to replace the ones you have, but to also have like-minded, like-situationed friends.)

Be Open

Don’t discriminate on age or status. Widowed, divorced, never-married, and separated are all categories of singles who are potentially hurting and lonely. Reach out. We’ll all be better for it.

Be a Real Friend

Singleness should not be the focus or reason for these friendships, however. They should be friendships like any other, friendships that weather and grow through all life stages. 

Build Up

We should also be careful that we and our single friends don’t constantly drag each other down in lamenting singleness. Commiseration is definitely helpful, encouraging, and acceptable—so please do that as you need to—but we must remember that there is a time for weeping and a time for laughing (Ecc. 3:4).

We should find friends who build us up (and make sure you let them—you’re worth it!) and who allow us to build them up (i.e., aren’t constantly self-deprecating), who can laugh at the absurdities of dating and singleness with us, who can help us find the joys in all seasons, and who can lovingly correct us when we stray into dangerous or unhealthy ways of thinking. 

Be Active, Not Passive

Don’t think people like this exist? They do. They may be hard to find, but start praying that God will put the right people in your life and He will. He wants us to fellowship with those who grow us to be more like Him.

But we must do our part. We can’t sit at home. We must reach out, find new avenues, and join new groups.

5. Realize That Now Is Your Chance to Make Your Dreams Happen

If we’re single, we have more time to serve and help, right?

This may be true for some people, but just because we don’t have families of our own does not mean we have more time or that a higher percentage of our time should be spent serving.

Have you seen this acronym? 

JOY: Jesus, others, yourself. 

When I view things this way, I have a hard time rationalizing when it’s okay to take time for myself. I should only do that if there is nothing else that needs to be done for anybody else…right?

Wrong. We are to serve, but we are not responsible for anyone but ourselves. We are responsible to others, but responsible for ourselves. (Boundaries, p. 88–89) 

I prefer this acronym, which I learned from my dad’s parents:

JOY: Jesus, ourselves, y’all. 

When I first heard this motto, I was surprised—Christians are supposed to be selfless, right? But then I realized it makes sense. We can pour more generously from a vessel that is full than one that is running on empty. We must take care of ourselves before trying to take care of everyone else.

All this to say: Go make your dreams happen!

I said this earlier in the point about setting goals, but do it. We don’t have a spouse to consider when deciding to pursue something crazy. It’s not selfish to go for that graduate degree program, get that travel job, and do the fun things we couldn’t do if we were married or had kids.

Wrapping It Up

These five mindsets offer an excellent starting point in turning our singleness journey from one of despair and sadness to one of excitement and hope no matter where we are in that journey. 

In the times you do feel lonely (as I frequently do), realize that this is a helpful indication that you need to reach out, first to God, and then to the people He’s put in your life right now. Don’t withdraw.

And do keep praying for your desires. Wanting marriage is not wrong. God understands why we want it because He created us. So keep praying, keep hoping, and keep living.

Thoughts or questions? Share in the comments below! And if you have a more personal comment or concern, my inbox is always open.

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